It has been awhile since I have written anything in here; not because I lack inspiration, but because I can't seem to get my thoughts together long enough to write anything.
That being said, I still don't really have all my thoughts in one place....
I feel like I am living in limbo.
I am thinking about what I will do after high school, when I will learn how to drive, what and where my summer job will be, and a whole list of other things.
At the moment, I am not sure whether I want to go to college and if I do, what my end goal is. If I don't, what am I going to do then?
I don't know when I am going to get my driver's license. The DMV is not being kind and I may not be driving by myself before I turn 19 because of it.
I applied for a summer job in Florida, but I don't know if I will get accepted and if I do, how are all the details going to come together? Can I emotionally handle a job like that away from home for two months? If I don't go, will I have to be working in a retail store or a restaurant?
On top of that, school is not as easy as I had hoped this year and I am not as good at English as I had thought (which is the AP course I am taking). My self-esteem feels like it is slowly being stripped and be self-confidence is practically non-existent.
So basically, I am frustrated and just very much tired of living in limbo. My worrying isn't going to help anything, but at the same time, I am at an impasse. I am doing the very best I can with what I have to work with, where I am. Yet, at the end of the day, I still have questions that go unanswered and a future that does not look very inviting. I am not even sure what to pray for anymore! This adulthood thing is not going well, people.
Do I know that God will provide all the answers in His time? Yes. I just wish He would provide faster. Do I know that my identity is in Christ? Yes. I know who I am, I just wish I knew what I was going to do with that. Do I know that God holds my future and He goes with me? Yes. I just wish I had some idea what that would entail. I am living in the limbo by circumstance, not choice.
I feel like a child who has been put in time-out until Dad gets home. I don't want to be here and I don't see why I am. I don't know what exactly is going to happen when Dad gets home. All I know is that I am hoping for the best and doing a lot of praying.
Living in limbo is crazy. It causes you to lose any sanity you claim to have. You cry a lot, you are frustrated a lot, and you pray a lot. You hate it, but yet you have to cling to God. You have to trust Him in the limbo. You aren't required to like it, but you are required to be listening and growing.
Patience has never been my strongest attribute. Neither has been walking in faith. Once I get there, I am okay, but it is getting there that scares me so much. I am sure God is teaching me many valuable lessons right now and I am sure He will reveal all the answers that I need in His time.
Until then, I will go back to my time-out corner and hope and pray. It is all I can do.
"We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:24
